"You Failed"

How do you continue on in the face of your own failure?  I was one of the kids who only reached the 50th percentile in the Presidential Fitness Challenge one year out of seven in Elementary School,  it took me five times to pass the driving test and get my driver's license, and five times to pass the Certified Public Accountant's exam.  So, I was no stranger to failure.  My stubborn will to overcome and succeed, together with a growing faith in God, carried me through those situations.

But when my second line supervisor told me, "You failed" somehow it was different.  She said it with such finality--like she was judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one.  I wanted to ask, "What did she mean? How could she draw that conclusion without telling me the allegations and letting me tell my side of the story?"  But I was so stunned that I could not come up with an audible response.  My face flushed, tears welled up in my eyes, my stomach drew up in a knot, and I looked to my direct supervisor for some support . . . or at least some explanation.  I don't recall him saying anything. 

What made it worse was when the second-line supervisor subsequently called me into a conference room lined with 40 employees I supervised, instructed me to pubically state that I wouldn't retaliate against any of them, stand in their midst while she read off a long list of their complaints against me and my supervisory team, and then immediately respond to those complaints out loud without any time to study or process what they might mean. 

I was and still am someone who doesn't give up easily.  This particular experience with failure would test the limits of my abilities to endure and continue to believe I could overcome the challenges I faced.  As soon as I could I went into my office, closed the door, and immediately went to my knees begging God to help me, tears flowing down my face.  I assure you, there is no shame in admitting you need help--especially if you go to the only one who is bigger and more powerful than anything in this universe, God Almighty! 

Did God instantly change my circumstances?  No.  He allowed me to walk through those circumstances for a reason.  I cannot fully understand, even today, nearly 11 years later, every reason he allowed me to experience that.  However, with much prayer and the passage of time I can see a few of the benefits I gained from it.  Yes, benefits. 

(1) I know without any doubt that God gave me courage, a sense of peace, and his strength to go through what were some of the most stressful months in my life up to that point. 

(2) Those around me got to see the depth of my faith day in and day out as I continued to do my work, humbly admitted where I was wrong, and changed what I could for the better.  One of my colleagues told me later that he drew encouragement from watching me to get through his own trials.  I was totally oblivious to what others were seeing in me during that time--I was just hanging on to my faith like the proverbial cat hanging on to the knotted end of a rope with one claw--so it wasn't me.  This was God working through me. 

(3) I know that God was faithful to me through that time.  I didn't lose my job, I wasn't demoted, and I haven't been professionally diminished by it.  I am respected more now because of what I've come through. 

(4) Because God was faithful then, I have less fear about the future, and I can trust God more.  Like a song I heard recently, I can confidently say, "If God is for us, then what can stand against?!"