How do you continue on in the face of your own failure? I was one of the kids who only reached the 50th percentile in the Presidential Fitness Challenge one year out of seven in Elementary School, it took me five times to pass the driving test and get my driver's license, and five times to pass the Certified Public Accountant's exam. So, I was no stranger to failure. My stubborn will to overcome and succeed, together with a growing faith in God, carried me through those situations.
But when my second line supervisor told me, "You failed" somehow it was different. She said it with such finality--like she was judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one. I wanted to ask, "What did she mean? How could she draw that conclusion without telling me the allegations and letting me tell my side of the story?" But I was so stunned that I could not come up with an audible response. My face flushed, tears welled up in my eyes, my stomach drew up in a knot, and I looked to my direct supervisor for some support . . . or at least some explanation. I don't recall him saying anything.
What made it worse was when the second-line supervisor subsequently called me into a conference room lined with 40 employees I supervised, instructed me to pubically state that I wouldn't retaliate against any of them, stand in their midst while she read off a long list of their complaints against me and my supervisory team, and then immediately respond to those complaints out loud without any time to study or process what they might mean.
I was and still am someone who doesn't give up easily. This particular experience with failure would test the limits of my abilities to endure and continue to believe I could overcome the challenges I faced. As soon as I could I went into my office, closed the door, and immediately went to my knees begging God to help me, tears flowing down my face. I assure you, there is no shame in admitting you need help--especially if you go to the only one who is bigger and more powerful than anything in this universe, God Almighty!
Did God instantly change my circumstances? No. He allowed me to walk through those circumstances for a reason. I cannot fully understand, even today, nearly 11 years later, every reason he allowed me to experience that. However, with much prayer and the passage of time I can see a few of the benefits I gained from it. Yes, benefits.
(1) I know without any doubt that God gave me courage, a sense of peace, and his strength to go through what were some of the most stressful months in my life up to that point.
(2) Those around me got to see the depth of my faith day in and day out as I continued to do my work, humbly admitted where I was wrong, and changed what I could for the better. One of my colleagues told me later that he drew encouragement from watching me to get through his own trials. I was totally oblivious to what others were seeing in me during that time--I was just hanging on to my faith like the proverbial cat hanging on to the knotted end of a rope with one claw--so it wasn't me. This was God working through me.
(3) I know that God was faithful to me through that time. I didn't lose my job, I wasn't demoted, and I haven't been professionally diminished by it. I am respected more now because of what I've come through.
(4) Because God was faithful then, I have less fear about the future, and I can trust God more. Like a song I heard recently, I can confidently say, "If God is for us, then what can stand against?!"
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Monday, June 27, 2011
"Crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind."
In the book "Turn Toward the Wind: Embracing Change in Your Life" (page 22) the author Dale Hanson Bourke points out that the Chinese symbols for the word "crisis" are identical to those for the word "opportunity." The symbols literally translated read, "Crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind."
Change is tough. Earlier in my career the agency where I worked faced a major reorganization. It would be an understatement to say that my colleagues' mood about the reorganization was largely negative. They saw the impending change as a crisis in their lives. For most it meant uprooting their families.
At first I was not happy about it either. I was just finishing a year-long executive leadership training program. My goal was to move into a supervisory position in Headquarters. However, the reorganization was slated to eliminate three out of the six current supervisory positions. I was disappointed when agency management decided not to announce the positions, but filled them with existing supervisors. It looked like I would have to wait for one of the supervisors to retire or change agencies before I would have the opportunity I sought.
But rather than focusing on the negative, I looked for an opportunity in the field. I knew that meant another move. I was a young single woman in an agency that was still largely male dominated, and I had never held a supervisory position before. There were a dozen existing supervisors who would be competing for the six remaining supervisory positions in the field, and those selected for the positions would have the additional challenge of dealing with employees' resistance to change. The odds were clearly stacked against me getting selected. However, I wanted to communicate that I was serious about moving up into a supervisory position. I listed out the pros and cons, and after praying for guidance, applied for all six positions.
The Friday before Easter I was called into the selecting official's office. I was totally taken back when he selected me to serve as one of the field supervisors!
Change is tough. Earlier in my career the agency where I worked faced a major reorganization. It would be an understatement to say that my colleagues' mood about the reorganization was largely negative. They saw the impending change as a crisis in their lives. For most it meant uprooting their families.
At first I was not happy about it either. I was just finishing a year-long executive leadership training program. My goal was to move into a supervisory position in Headquarters. However, the reorganization was slated to eliminate three out of the six current supervisory positions. I was disappointed when agency management decided not to announce the positions, but filled them with existing supervisors. It looked like I would have to wait for one of the supervisors to retire or change agencies before I would have the opportunity I sought.
But rather than focusing on the negative, I looked for an opportunity in the field. I knew that meant another move. I was a young single woman in an agency that was still largely male dominated, and I had never held a supervisory position before. There were a dozen existing supervisors who would be competing for the six remaining supervisory positions in the field, and those selected for the positions would have the additional challenge of dealing with employees' resistance to change. The odds were clearly stacked against me getting selected. However, I wanted to communicate that I was serious about moving up into a supervisory position. I listed out the pros and cons, and after praying for guidance, applied for all six positions.
The Friday before Easter I was called into the selecting official's office. I was totally taken back when he selected me to serve as one of the field supervisors!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"Don't let this hang over you like the sword of Damocles."
"How are you adjusting?" my second-line supervisor wrote in her e-mail that day. What a tough question! I was still reeling over a directed reassignment that I didn't understand. I finally wrote back that I felt like my world had been "turned upside down." I referenced a book my grandmother gave me when I was a child, which told the story of an imaginery place called "Upsy Downsy Land" where people walked on the ceiling instead of the floor.
A few hours later she replied saying, "Don't let this hang over you like the sword of Damocles." What did that mean? I'd never heard of the sword of Damocles. So, I went to my Internet browser and entered the phrase.
I found out that Damocles was a Greek story about young courtier in a King's court. He saw all the King's wealth and prestige and wanted it for himself. The King knew the young man's desires because Damocles would ask him day after day if he could be King for a day. The King finally granted Damocles' request. When that day dawned Damocles was met by the King's servants who dressed him in the King's fine clothes, escorted him to the King's throne, served him the best food, and provided entertainment to please him It was everything Damocles had dreamed it would be and more. Except, something was bothering Damocles. It took him a while to pinpoint what it was, but eventually, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something hanging over his head. Upon closer inspection he noticed that it was a sharp sword hanging from a very thin thread. He could see that if the thread broke, he could not avoid being seriously hurt or killed. Suddenly he could no longer enjoy the pleasures around him as the anxiety in his heart rose and sprang into full-fledged fear. He could not wait for the end of the day to come, so he could get out from under that sword and go back to his comparatively safe existence as courtier. When the time to leave finally came, the King met him as he was leaving and asked how he felt about his day in the King's court. Damocles admitted that he was glad that the day was over, and asked the King about the sword that made him feel so uncomfortable. The King explained that He had many enemies, so his life was always in danger. The sword was the King's way of showing Damocles the truth about his life as the King.
At first I didn't know what this story had to do with me and my directed reassignment, but I thought about it over the following days and weeks. Eventually it dawned on me that the sword of Damocles in my life was the fear and dread that was holding me back. I didn't understand why I was forced to move to a new position and, as a result, I was trapped in the past expecting the worst. I was letting my fears control me, instead of looking for the best. I needed to change my perspective. A phrase from a old hymn came to mind. "Count your many blessings, name them one by one." What were my blessings? I sat down a listed every positive thing I could think of about the move. Things like reduced stress, meeting my fiance, and keeping my pay grade. Maybe the move wasn't such a bad thing after all!
A few hours later she replied saying, "Don't let this hang over you like the sword of Damocles." What did that mean? I'd never heard of the sword of Damocles. So, I went to my Internet browser and entered the phrase.
I found out that Damocles was a Greek story about young courtier in a King's court. He saw all the King's wealth and prestige and wanted it for himself. The King knew the young man's desires because Damocles would ask him day after day if he could be King for a day. The King finally granted Damocles' request. When that day dawned Damocles was met by the King's servants who dressed him in the King's fine clothes, escorted him to the King's throne, served him the best food, and provided entertainment to please him It was everything Damocles had dreamed it would be and more. Except, something was bothering Damocles. It took him a while to pinpoint what it was, but eventually, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something hanging over his head. Upon closer inspection he noticed that it was a sharp sword hanging from a very thin thread. He could see that if the thread broke, he could not avoid being seriously hurt or killed. Suddenly he could no longer enjoy the pleasures around him as the anxiety in his heart rose and sprang into full-fledged fear. He could not wait for the end of the day to come, so he could get out from under that sword and go back to his comparatively safe existence as courtier. When the time to leave finally came, the King met him as he was leaving and asked how he felt about his day in the King's court. Damocles admitted that he was glad that the day was over, and asked the King about the sword that made him feel so uncomfortable. The King explained that He had many enemies, so his life was always in danger. The sword was the King's way of showing Damocles the truth about his life as the King.
At first I didn't know what this story had to do with me and my directed reassignment, but I thought about it over the following days and weeks. Eventually it dawned on me that the sword of Damocles in my life was the fear and dread that was holding me back. I didn't understand why I was forced to move to a new position and, as a result, I was trapped in the past expecting the worst. I was letting my fears control me, instead of looking for the best. I needed to change my perspective. A phrase from a old hymn came to mind. "Count your many blessings, name them one by one." What were my blessings? I sat down a listed every positive thing I could think of about the move. Things like reduced stress, meeting my fiance, and keeping my pay grade. Maybe the move wasn't such a bad thing after all!
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